Bloody Typical
by runwitskizzers
Summary: [SasuSaku] Rather than sleeping for the rest of the day, Sakura spent the next three hours creating a painstaking plan to get an incredibly belated revenge on Uchiha Sasuke. Slight crack. Oneshot.


She was dead.

She knew it.

She was stuck in his house, with nowhere to go, and he was sure to figure it out sooner or later.

Well, shitfuckass. What was she going to do? She would bemoan her fate, but that would be loud. And then she'd go from having a slim chance, to having no chance.

And to think, this day had started out _so_ well. Typical.

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_That morning. Approximately 7:51am. _

"SAKURA-CHAAAAAAAAAN!" The girl groaned, pulling her fluffy down comforter over her head in a sad, _sad_, attempt to block out the noise. "SA-KU-RA-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" With all that yelling, someone had better be dead, she decided. If not, Naruto was going down, down, down. She threw the covers off of her, slammed her bedroom door open (effectively breaking several tiny, shiny ornaments on her dresser), stomped down the hallway, got the front door, and yanked it open. "SAKU-oh, Hey Sakura-chan!"

"Naruto," she said very, very sweetly. "Why are you here on my day off? On the one day in the past two months that I get to sleep in past our usual 6am training. On this holiest of holy days that _I_ have been looking forward to for those said months?" He was sweating, now. She was making him nervous. Good. He paused for a moment, as if he was actually thinking things through for once in his soon to be over life.

Then he brightened, considerably. Blue eyes were wide, and that awful, cheesy, white, large, _loud_ grin. She wanted to die. Correction, she wanted _him_ to die.

"I have a mission!" She waited thirty seconds for him to elaborate, and nothing came. She'd have to help him out, it seemed.

"Which is…"

"Um, well, Teme said to come get you, and he said if I did, he'd buy me Ramen for two weeks. And I did say no, at first, because I didn't want to wake you up, but then he said he'd buy me Ramen for _three_ weeks, and I couldn't help it. I had to say yes, Sakura-chan!" Despite him looking so puppy-dog-eyed in his somewhat chibi form, she knew she had to put her foot down. This was getting ridiculous.

"Naruto, because you're Hokage-in-Training, I'm going to have let Tsunade-sama know that if anyone ever needs to buy you off, it's not going to be hard because all they have to do is say the word Ramen, and you will absolutely sell your soul to the devil."

His face fell. Damn it, now she felt bad.

"You can't let Sasuke do this to you every time, Naruto. He knows that you'll come here, wake me up, and then I'll hit you so hard you won't even remember that he promised to buy you ramen. I'm not going to hit you this time, because now I think it's the all mighty Uchiha's turn to actually pay up on these stupid bets he makes."

There was that smile again.

"Aw, thanks Sakura-chan! I'm gonna go make him pay up, _right now_-DATTEBAYO!!!" She winced. Would that ever, ever, ever end? Ever?

"Now, Naruto, did Sasuke actually need me for anything?"

"Oh yeah! He wanted to ask you about some medical thing or something with his eyes, I don't know, the Teme's been weird lately. Well any way, I'm off to eat ramenramenramenramenramenramen…" She could hear him still yelling it as he ran down the road.

"He didn't even tell me where I'm supposed to meet him!…" She turned tail and went back inside. Forget it, her bed was way more enticing than Sasuke right now. He was going to make her work, and she would be damned if her day off would get messed up because of him.

Now, if this had been nine years earlier, then maybe, well no, definitely, she definitely would have gone running to the boy. But now, he was just too much of a pompous ass for her most of the time. _I'm sorry Sakura, did you say something?_ Or_ Sakura, have you been there the whole time? I didn't even notice._ Not to mention, _hey Sakura, I'm not going to apologize for leaving you on a bench on a cold night with nothing more than a cryptic 'thank you'._ So he hadn't actually said the last part, but she knew he was thinking it.

Bastard.

She fell back into her deliciously comfortable bed, and snuggled down into the fluffiness. Mmmm, beautiful sleep.

She had just closed her eyes and gotten back to sleep when –

BANG BANG BANG BANG

Maybe if she ignored it, it would stop. Ten minutes went by… with nonstop banging. _Talk about a double entendre_.

So once again, she threw the covers off of her, slammed her bedroom door open (effectively breaking several _more_ tiny, shiny ornaments on her dresser), stomped down the hallway, got the front door, and yanked it open.

"Sakura."

"Sasuke."

"Didn't Naruto tell you to come meet me?" She stared at him, gave him a once over, took in his black slacks, the black, wide collared shirt with the Uchiha symbol on the back, his pale, gorgeous face, deep, dark, tainted eyes, awkwardly styled hair and promptly turned around and shut the door in his face. "Sakura!" She ignored the call and walked back to her bedroom, her bed was so much more satisfying than dealing with Sasuke, it wasn't even funny.

Not even bothering to look, she turned around and fell back into bed, back first and let out a yelp when she didn't actually feel the mattress beneath her, but rather a person.

"I've got too many skills to be locked out of your house. Now come help me."

"I'm tired, I hate you, go away."

\… Sasuke's in our bed.\ Inner Sakura just had an aneurysm. She got off of him before she actually had a heart attack. Turning around, she turned to glare at the man who had so selfishly disturbed her day of rest.

Eye to eye, he wouldn't back down. Finally, she sighed… very unhappily.

"Fine, what?"

He stood up, uttered a soft 'Finally' and sat down at her desk.

"I'm having trouble with one of my eyes, I think it's from using a higher form of the sharingan. You need to look at it." She noted how he phrased his request… er… order. Not 'I need you to look at my eye' but rather, she was the one who _needed_ to look at it. So _typical_.

"And this couldn't wait for another two hours?" She couldn't help throwing in as she walked towards him and rested her fingertips on each of his temples.

"No." She pushed her fingers in a mite too much, and he kind of winced. It was almost imperceptible, had she not been waiting for it, she probably wouldn't have seen it. Sakura took a sick sort of satisfaction in knowing that she could push her little fingers together and make his head explode. Instead of yelling at him uselessly, she pictured this image for 25 seconds.

"Ok, then. Since this is _so_ important, I suppose I'll start right now." He acknowledged neither her bitter tone, nor her sarcasm.

Three hours later, Sasuke had left and she fell back into bed, ready for a nice, long nap. Right as she was about to drift off, however, something occurred to her, and her eyes shot open.

He hadn't said thank you.

Oh, he was dead.

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Rather than sleeping for the rest of the day, Sakura spent the next three hours creating a painstaking plan to get an incredibly belated revenge on Uchiha Sasuke.

She'd waited years.

He had returned to the village three years earlier, after successfully killing Itachi. Orochimaru, it seemed, he had left in the dust just prior to the operation that would have given the Sannin the Uchiha's body.

And even then, she'd welcomed him home, not judging. Just a little bitter, that's all. And he'd never noticed it, never apologized, never anything.

Now, she'd had enough. This was the last straw.

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_Present time. 6:17pm_

It had been a simple enough plan. Sneak in Sasuke's place while he was out, do a little damage. Leave a few 'love notes', and then steal some stuff to give to his army of fan girls. Namely, underwear, pictures, maybe some of his kitchenware.

Step two was going to be selling said items to his fan girls, and then allowing them access to Sasuke's home.

How hard could it have been?

Midway through her foray into his underwear drawer (who knew the Uchiha had a penchant for polka dotted boxers), she found something that stopped her search cold turkey. There, snuggled up between his socks and boxers, was a well worn copy of _Icha Icha Paradise_. She smirked and picked it up, it looked like Sasuke was human after all. She began flipping through the pages, curious to see what all the fuss was about.

Her eyes widened. Oh God. People _did_ that?!… And boys… liked it? Just as she was about to hastily place the text back in its place, an old, obviously handled picture of the two of them fell out of it. He wasn't looking at the camera, choosing instead to look off to the side in annoyance (probably with her). She, on the other hand, was grinning in what some would call a maniacal fashion. From the look of her short hair, and his white shorts, it was taken about two and a half years earlier. Strange…

Unfortunately, this was when she heard it.

The door opened. Meaning it had to be Sasuke.

Luckily, she had masked her chakra as soon as she had snuck in, _just in case_. Apparently, the _just in case_ scenario was quickly approaching… she could hear his footsteps coming down the hall and towards his room. He wasn't bothering to be quiet, so she knew he didn't know she was there.

And instead of relying on her training as a nin of Konoha to get her out of this 'situation', she froze. She could only stare as the doorknob shifted lower,

And lower,

And lower,

And then it hit her, he would kill her.

Still gripping the picture, she jumped into the closet, and hid. Praying that he wouldn't actually be needing anything from inside.

Outside of the closet, and inside the room, a former missing nin and current Jounin, Uchiha Sasuke made himself comfortable on his bed, and picked up a few scrolls he'd been meaning to read. There were about eight scrolls in total, and each one seemed thicker than the one before it.

Sakura bit back a groan as she watched through a crack in the door. This was going to take forever.

It was then that her luck worsened.

Suddenly, the lack of rest this morning began to get to her, and her head began to nod.

It _was_ surprisingly comfortable nestled into Sasuke's closet like this. It seemed he liked to keep his winter clothes on the bottom, and so she was absolutely up to her ears in comfortable fluffiness. Much like her own comforter. Ah, that thought definitely made her sleepy…

Blink.

Blink.

Bli-nope, eyes were closed and she was out. Fortunately, she didn't snore.

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_Later. 8:57pm_

She awoke with a start. Where was she?!

Then it all came back to her. Ah yes, an unknowing captor was holding her captive. She risked a glance through the crack, and smiled a genuine smile of happiness when she realized that there was no one there. She would have to be fast, make it from the closet to the window before anyone would have a chance to come in.

God was not on her side today, however, and as soon as she opened the door to the closet, took four steps toward the window, the door two steps ahead of her and to her right opened.

Sasuke's bathroom.

And the man himself walked into the room, in nothing but a towel held loosely around his waist. His back was to her. She stopped. And stared.

_Wow._

He was quite the possibly the most perfect specimen of human male anatomy she had ever seen, at least, his back was… if you took away the ninja scars he had. But other than that, his lithe, toned back was making it hard for her to breathe.

And then, his towel got caught on the door.

And fell.

This was when all hell broke loose. She couldn't help it, she yelped. And so _he_ turned and jumped into a defensive stance, thinking it was an enemy.

"Sakura?" He sounded confused. And, rightfully so. Then he remembered where he was, what was happening, and the fact that he was as naked as the day he was born. And she really couldn't breathe because now he was facing her and she was able to see the, ahem, rest of that perfect male specimen. "_SAKURA?!"_

"Eep." He was flushed, now, and hastily grabbing at the towel that had so maliciously fallen to the floor seconds before.

She still hadn't moved.

"Sakura! Turn _around_!!!" And because he sounded like he would permanently blind her if she didn't, but only because of that, she turned away and looked at the wall. "What the _hell_, Sakura?! Why are you in my room??" She grimaced. He was not going to like this. She wondered how in the world she was going to get out of this without either a) being humiliated or b) being killed. "Have you decided to return to your old crazily obsessed days?!" Ouch. Way to hit her where it hurts.

Kami, what _was_ she going to do?

"Ok, I'm dressed." She turned back to him, guiltily. But then, last minute, changed her mind and her expression.

Now he was clad in a plain tee shirt and a pair of loose black pants, with a nice, disapproving look on his handsome face. She couldn't help but notice the nice tinge of rouge that had made itself at home on his cheeks, and the bridge of his nose. Interesting. She made him blush.

She took her time sauntering over to him, and she could see his facial features shift ever-so-slightly at her actions.

Excellent, now he was unnerved.

She'd better make this short and sweet.

The closer she got, the more she could see just how flustered he was with the entire situation. His hands were trembling, and his eyes were shifting left and right. He was completely uncomfortable.

Before he could ask her again, she leaned forward, pecked him on the lips and slipped something into his hand.

"Thanks for the free show, Sasuke-kun, nice birthmark by the way." Then she had a miniscule pause, "Oh, and you're welcome."

And then, she took his moment of shock to fling herself out of his window and was already halfway home chuckling to herself before he had even awoken out of the stupor she'd put him in.

Sasuke brought his hands up to his lips… did she just… then he noticed what was in his hand. The picture. His eyes widened as he realized what this meant.

_Shit._ Or maybe, just maybe…

_Thank you, Sakura…_

Then in quick succession, a number of thoughts hit him. The picture, _where_ he kept it, _what_ he kept it in, and within a second he was on his way following her footsteps.

_She better not tell the Dobe!_

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A/N: God I _love_ making Sasuke uncomfortable. It's just so much fun. And oh crack. Crack is so good.

Uh, I mean.

Damn. You know what I mean.

So, can I just tell you how much of a bitch it was to get this uploaded on to the site? Because it was. Turns out ff-net is being awesome enough to not let me upload any new documents, so it took me two days to figure out that I could export an old document and use that to make a new story – but, in the words of Gob, _c'mon_! Ridiculous. Silly ff-net. Work, please? Eh?

I hope you kiddies enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I feel like it makes for some excellent mental pictures XD

As always, click the review button, save a whale!


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